


monster

by mustbet0night



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternative ending - the last jedi, Character Study, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Just basically a lot of sad kylo im sorry, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Not Related, Kylo is sad af, M/M, Mentions of torture/emotional abuse, Rey Needs A Hug, Snoke is evil, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, angst tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-02-22 22:07:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13176186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mustbet0night/pseuds/mustbet0night
Summary: "You have that look in your eye, from the forest, when you called me a monster.""You are a monster.""Yes I am."*TLJ SPOILERS*Rey wants to hate the monster that is Kylo Ren just as much as she wants to understand the lonely kid that is Ben Solo.





	1. Chapter 1

The first thing Rey feels as she crawls back into consciousness is pain. It's everywhere. It consumes her. And it's kind of peaceful. She is entirely content to lie here forever, hovering in this void where nothing but the rise and fall of her chest and the searing pain in her shoulder exist.

But then she remembers.

All of it, all at once, assaulting her senses. Kylo, Snoke, the resistance, the explosion. It's so much, so much destruction. And for some absurd reason, the thing her mind clings to is the light saber. It's broken. Tears well under her eyelids at the thought. Silly, so silly.

There are bigger concerns, she knows. She is aware of the taste of the air now; smoke and chemicals and death. Her lungs sting with every breath. And she has no idea what the hell just happened. Are the resistance okay? Is she okay? Is Kylo okay?

Kylo Ren. The thought of him terrifies her into wrenching her eyes open and dragging herself to sit. It hurts, but looking over herself, she is relieved; no serious injuries.

Standing, she fully assesses the chaos surrounding her. Snoke's severed body, the lower half still eerily sitting in his throne, the upper half on the floor, gazing up with dead eyes. Its a horrific sight, so monstrous he almost appears comical.

The bodies of Snoke's guards litter the floor around him, along with debris and ash from the explosion. And there, opposite her, is Kylo Ren.

He lies unmoving, his raven hair splashed over his pale face.

She steps over, carefully, silently, and crouches beside him. Despite herself, despite every instinct to run, she finds her eyes held by an odd fascination. The innocence of his expression is equally jarring and heartbreaking. He looks so peaceful, so gentle, so little like the man she watched murder Han Solo.

He coughs, heaving in large breaths of the ashy air and Rey jumps back a little. His eyes flash open, meeting hers, and for a moment he looks... almost frightened.

He puts his weight onto this left elbow, pushing himself upright. "What happened?" She watches his face as he scans the room, watches the realisation flood his dark eyes.

"I don't know." She responds flatly, "but it was fucking huge." Rey's mind seems to have caught back up with reality, clarity sobering her sharply. Whatever that explosion was it can't have been good, and she needs to know if any of the remaining resistance made it to the base alive. She stands upright and heads over to the glass wall.

The sight that meets her out the window chills her. The ship is split into three, debris floating and colliding around them. It's chaos. And terrifying. And she needs to get the hell out of there. Fast.

She turns around to see Kylo standing now. He is looking at Snoke, but his expression is flat, revealing nothing.

Carefully, she steps over to him. "I have to get out of here." She says, and then, softer, "Come with me."

He snaps round to her. "Come with you?" He growls and anger flares in his eyes. "You're still trying to bring me into the light? You seriously think that you can turn me? It's too late, Rey. It's always been too late. Give it up."

"That is your problem Kylo!" She is surprised by the way the words tear from her throat. But she is spurned on by it, her anger rising, twisting in her stomach, fuelling her beyond her fears. "You gave up on yourself well before anyone else did. You keep trying to blame other people - your parents, Luke, Snoke. But you sabotaged yourself by acting like you'd sunk the ship before you'd even boarded it."

Hurt flickers in Kylo Ren's eyes. At least, that's what Rey thinks it is. His lip quivers slightly. He looks young, Rey thinks. It softens her slightly. "Your parents loved you. They would have helped you, they'd have done anything for you..."

He steps forward, "What do you know about my parents? Nothing. You know nothing about them, or me."

Her anger has faded slightly - no, not faded. It's still there, burning and flaring, but it's rounded, controlled. It's pliable. She uses it, channels it, pushes it forward.

Kylo's emotions are there, open, in front of her. He's fuming, but beneath that, so much else is storming, threatening to break out, threatening to tear him in two. She keeps pushing, using the force to search, to understand. "I know you're scared." She probes further. Kylo physically steps back, mirroring the way his mind tries to pull back from Rey's mental invasion. "You said I was the one that needed to let go, but it is you. You're holding onto the darkness. You know it doesn't lend itself easily to you. It's a constant effort. Being a monster isn't natural for you, you have to fight for it -- why? Why would you want that?"

She can't stop herself now. The effort is exhausting, yet she is so far in, she needs to know, she has to know why.

And then, the terse bond grows slack, his mind eases up. She watches his eyes widen and fill as she inhales and, eventually exhales his thoughts, "because... being a monster is better than being nothing."

There is a tightening. A snapping. She is shut out.

She looks to Kylo then, disoriented and overwhelmed. His expression is surprisingly neutral.

He had allowed her to see that, to feel it. Why?

"So you see, it's just like you said." He explains in his cool tone, the one so soft it chills, "I am a monster."

Rey finds that she is shaking her head. No. She had seen it again, the light in him, the way it so violently clashed with the dark. She had seen that power desperate murderer, yes, but she had also seen a lonely boy who had always felt that he was torn between being born for greatness and destined for nothing at all.

And she couldn't hate him for it. No matter how much she wanted to. She couldn't see him as a monster because he wasn't. To call him a monster only made it easier to hate him. But hatred is a child of the darkness and Rey has no propensity for that.

"You're crying." Kylo tilts his head, trying to understand her, "Why are you crying?"

Rey brushes her cheeks dry, turns from him and ignores the question.

"I'm going to find Chewy and meet back with the resistance." She strides towards the door.

"Wait." His voice is shockingly small.

Rey halts, but does not turn back. "I haven't changed my mind if you're still on that 'rule the galaxy together' bullshit."

"No..."

She resists the urge to turn around and assess his facial expression. His voice is irritatingly hard to interpret.

She hears the falter in his breath, "But don't go." He says. "Please."


	2. Chapter 2

Rey digs her nails into the palms of her hands, glaring at the door between her and her way out of this nightmare, as Kylo's vulnerable last word lingers in her mind; "Please."

"Why?" Her voice sounds far more confident than she feels. She rolls with it, making sure to express as much anger as possible. "So you can kill me?"

Anger helps. She finds courage in it.

Spinning on her heel to finally face Kylo, she ignores the odd innocence of his expression. Remember Han, she tells herself. Kylo had looked exactly as wounded as he does now, just seconds before murdering his own father. "I don't trust you, Ren. And thanks to you, I'm all out of a lightsaber."

"I don't want to kill you," he says and Rey notices his fingers flexing tensely in and out of his palm. "I just want you t--"

He's cut off by what feels like the entire galaxy shuddering. Rey is thrown off her feet, thudding painfully onto her side. Parts of the ceiling cave in. She looks up and watches Kylo leap out of the way as huge parts of the ship crash down around them.

Rey's heart is pounding furiously against her chest. Any moment now this ship is going to be entirely obliterated, her along with it. She has to fucking leave.

Another star shattering rupture and the ship is thrust into a tilt, throwing Rey forwards. A scream tears from somewhere inside her.

Kylo, too, tumbles back, slamming into the back wall.

Rey is sent skidding towards him. She barely registers what happens until she is gripped, painfully tight, and wrenched backwards, only just missing being decapitated by a piece of piping flying towards her.

Breath returns to her lungs in a panic. She can't seem to hold the air in long enough before it escapes her again. The grip on her arms tightens. "Hey." She hears a soft voice from behind her. "Hey. You okay?"

She twists herself around. Kylo Ren watches her carefully. She looks to his hands still holding onto her. He quickly lets go.

"We need to get out of here." She says.

"We can use my ship." He tells her, as they scramble to their feet.

"We?!" She looks to him incredulously, she can't believe he's serious. "No, _you_ can use your ship. I'm going to..." she desperately tries to find another option, any option that doesn't involve Kylo Ren or death.

"What?" Kylo asks her, echoing her own thoughts.

As if perfectly on time, a loud bang reverberates from somewhere nearby and the ship lurches downwards. She looks to him, realising what her options are.

"Come on." He growls.

They run, together, leaping over debris and the bodies of Praetorian guards and throw themselves into the elevator out of the throne room.

"My ship is docked in a bay not far from here." Kylo is telling her. Rey is just glad the ship seems to have found some stability... for now.

Once on the main deck, the elevator doors open to a thick cloud of smoke. A glance to the left shows that end of the ship is a flaming no-go zone, and Rey follows Kylo as they run in the opposite direction, choking on the thick, ashy air.

They take a left down a long, sparse corridor and the air clears up, before turning another right, running them straight into --

"Hux!" Kylo startles. Rey lets out a short yelp.

General Hux also leaps back in surprise, but composes himself quickly. "Ren. I was just coming to get you. The whole ship is crumbling. We need to leave immediately. Where's the Supreme Leader?"

Rey watches movement of Kylo's adam's apple as he swallows before stating simply, "the Supreme Leader is dead."

What little colour there was in Hux's face visibly drains. "The supreme... he's... how did this happen?!" He demands.

Kylo blinks. "The explosion."

Rey nods, "Blew right through him."

"Straight through."

"Cut him in half."

Kylo makes a slicing sound and gestures the motion with his hand. "Gone."

Hux looks from Kylo, to Rey, to Kylo again. He appears to be struggling and instead, focuses on something else - on Rey. "What are you doing with her?"

"She is my prisoner. We are leaving, I have use for her."

"And what might that be?!"

"None of your damn business. Now I suggest you focus on getting yourself, and whoever else remains, off this ship before it blows entirely."

He pushes Rey forwards then, sweeping past Hux as he stammers in protest. Hux's voice is drowned by a roaring groan as what sounds like an entire wing breaks off the remains of the wrecked ship.

Kylo and Rey share a terrified glance before breaking into a sprint. "Over there!" Kylo shouts, pointing towards a hangar on the left.

Rey runs as fast as her burning muscles dare, ignoring the fire in her chest and the terrifying rumble of the ship beneath their feet.

Kylo punches in a key on the hangar wall and the black door slides open. She follows him through, her eyes drawn upwards to fully take in the command shuttle. It was imposing and horrifying and beautiful.

"Come on."

She looks to Kylo, who is already boarding. She doesn't want to do this. She has no choice.

She runs over, lets Kylo help her on board and rushes to the cockpit. He takes his seat and prepares to take off, she watches over him - it all looks very alien; the usual stuff is there but it's unlike any cockpit she's ever seen. One thing she does recognise though - she reaches her hand out towards the lever and looks to Kylo, who nods as the ship takes air and leaves the hangar. She can't help the small smile that works its way onto her lips, or the small thrill that works its way through her nerves as she pushes the ship into hyperspace.

Kylo brings the ship around long enough for them to assess the wreckage. Rey has no idea what caused it, but she hopes with everything she has that it enabled the resistance to get to safety. There is an ache in her chest as she thinks of Finn. Please let him be alright. Let them all be alright.

Rey looks to Kylo then, who gazes on at the remains of something that had meant so much to him. She thinks she sees his lip quiver a little, but he blinks it away as if it were nothing. "Let's get out of here." He fires up the ship and prepares to jump to lightspeed.

"Where are we going?" Rey asks, her stomach twisting with the feeling of being a prisoner once again.

"Somewhere Hux won't find us."

It didn't make her feel any safer.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait on this one, found it pretty hard to write and try to form what i imagined might be in Kylo's head. Thanks so much for reading and the kudos - it all means so much!

Kylo holds the ship above a small planet Rey has never seen before. She gazes out at it, "What's that?" She asks, trying hard not to let any of her fear trickle through her voice and be known to Kylo. If this is a trap she is not going to give him the satsfaction of thinking he scares her.

He steps over, standing at her side. "Crait." He tells her in a low voice. "It's a mineral planet. It's where the remaining resistence are."

Hope floods her. "Really?" She looks to him.

Kylo continues to stare out. He nods. "I will take you there. But first I... I need you to... I need to show you. The conflict, the light, the dark. I want you to understand."

"Why?" Rey asks, "Why me?"

She watches him, his eyes still fixed on something out amongst the stars, as he considers. "I don't know. Because - Because you... I dont know."

"I dont trust you." It's only just more than a whisper and she knows as she says it that any hope of her feigning confidence has gone.

Kylo looks at her then, with honest eyes. "I trust you."

The air seems to catch between them. Rey's heart seems to catch in her chest.

"When... when we were connected by the force, I felt something in you." He continues, "Like I could trust you. Like you were the only person in the galaxy that could possibly understand. I know you felt it too."

Rey's mind takes her back to Luke's island. The conversation she and Kylo had had, when they touched hands... she had seen his future, or perhaps a version of it. What he could be if he turned, if he chose the light. But more than that... He had told her she wasn't alone. And she had felt it. Had felt less alone than she had ever felt before. And her whole life till then, she had always felt alone.

And yet, she still wonders if he's only saying all of this to win her over to the dark side, use her power.

"You don't have to trust me." Kylo continues, "I wouldn't if I were you. But... you're the only one that ever asked why. I want you to know the answer."

She looks away, out over Crait. Are they really down there - the resistence? Finn? The thought of Finn, her friend - her best friend - is overwhelming. She hopes he's okay. She hopes they're all okay; Finn, BB-8, Leia... wonderful Princess Leia. She has let Leia down, she knows, by being unable to convince Luke to return. But she thinks about how she felt about Kylo during those nights on that wet and windy island, how she had truly believed he could turn. Maybe he still can. Maybe he still is their last hope.

Maybe he's worth listening to even if he's not.

She makes her decision and can feel Kylo watching her as she turns away from the wall and walks to the center of the room. She places herself down, sitting cross-legged on the floor. He frowns, confused. Rey pats the floor infront of her. "Come on then. Sit."

Slowly, he sits, mirroring her.

Rey watches his facial expression carefully. She's uncomfortable, nervous, at the vulnerability of the moment. But then, she realises, so is he.

The thought eases her a little.

His hands are placed on his knees. She holds hers out, palms up, to him. His eyes are filled with innocence and something else Rey can't quite place; something that is as dangerous as it is vulnerable.

Tentatively, Kylo lifts his gloved hands towards Rey's.

She reaches out to his left hand first, using both of hers to remove the black leather glove. She hopes he doesn't notice her fingers trembling slightly. His are impressively resolute.

She takes her time, tucking the tips of her index fingers between the rim of the glove and his wrist, loosening it up. Then she tugs gently at the thumb and the fingers, the glove slides off. Her fingers brush against his in the process and she is surprised by how soft they are.

Kylo watches her every move as she places the glove on the floor beside them and goes to remove the other one.

The air feels incredibly charged between them. Energy bouncing from him to her and back again. Its exciting, intense.

She pulls the glove off and places it down, his right hand like the other; soft and pale and still. Except for a large scar on the back, running from the bottom of his thumb to beneath his knuckles. It looks both old and new, like a wound that has been continually re-opened or repeated. Like it... she looks suddenly from his hand to his eyes, realising exactly what it is from: the cross hilt, on his lightsaber.

His eyes seem to dare her to ask in their expressionlessness. She doesn't.

Instead, she drops her gaze back to her hands. She places them on her knees, palms once again open to him.

He hesitates, before gently reaching out to place his hands on hers.

Rey can feel her heart pounding in her head. She tries to prepare herself to block her mind off from him, in case this is some kind of trick. What if he finds a way to mess with her thoughts? What if he attempts to take some information from her that she doesn't realise is vital? Even if it's not a trick, she's fucking scared of what she might see or feel in Kylo's mind.

She looks at him, their hands so close, and she sees that he is scared too. She feels it, pulsing through the air between their fingers.

And then his fingertips touch her palms and the energy she had felt between them charges through her skin. He swallows. She inhales. He opens his mind. She closes her eyes.

And there it is: the force. That energy. It's powerful, impossibly so. But she knows how to use it.

It takes a huge amount of strength and focus, a strength within her that Rey still does not fully understand, but she uses it as best she can. The energy between hers and Kylo's mind creates a bridge, a connection that she can use to push forwards, take herself inside his head.

What meets her terrifies and enthralls her in equal amounts. Relentless conflict. A war of light and dark waging within him. It's so destructive. And complex. And not at all what she expected it to be. The dark is not evil, not malice or hatred, but is far less alien than that. It is fear and insecurity and weakness, warped into something dangerous and terrifying. There is so much anger. Anger towards absolutely everything. The anger is violent and brutal, it swarms, like it's trapped, barely contained, constantly desperate for release. It is all so much.

As she delves deeper, breaking through the barrier the anger creates, she is met with a complex storm of emotions; anger is met with love and self-loathing and need... there's this kind of black hole at the center of it all, a void, a need for something that has never been there: assurance, approval, acceptance. She searches this maelstrom of darkness for explanation.

It's overwhelming. The pain, the imbalance, the fear, the desperate loneliness and the crushing sadness colliding with a burning ambition and a need for absolute order. It's suffocating but she can't help but want to see more, go further.

She quickly realises that Snoke is everywhere. There is so little here that has been untouched by him. Every dark thought - every anxiety, every desire - has been rifled through, dessimated and twisted, brought to the surface or crushed in repression by Snoke. And the pain is only increasing. Rey's mental vision becomes blurred with it all, so much it's hard to focus on anything. She wants to scream, she wants to cry, she wants to get the hell out. She wants to see more.

She tries forming a single thought, Snoke, Kylo's downfall into the darkness, and uses it to call out. Eventually, clarity returns and she sees images clearer; snoke, Luke Skywalker... only snippets, but it is clear to her these are the memories of Ben Solo. She uses as much strength as she can to understand as it whirls around her; Luke training him, his fears of not being what they want him to be, not being special, not being anything, and Snoke understanding a boy that no one else ever has; promises of resolved conflict, promises of power, promises of his true destiny. Then pain. Light is bad. Dark is good. It hurts. His family, they don't love him. What is Snoke doing? He's hurting him, he's inside his head. God it hurts. It's crushing. Its hollowing. Why does no one help him? Where are they? Nothing. He's nothing. You're nothing. Be something. Love is weakness. Power is strength. Power is power. Stop. Please. It's too much, it hurts too much. He's weak. Don't be weak. Don't be pathetic. You will fail. You are nothing. Dark becomes the right path. Dark becomes the only path. Light becomes weakness. Light becomes pain. It's too much. Get out. Please. Stop. No.

The connection is split. Shattered. And a powerful force seems to punch her in the chest. Rey blinks. What happened? She is no longer in Kylo's head. And the pain she feels now is real. It's in her back. She has been thrown against the wall.

She looks up, Kylo is watching her like an animal hunted. He too, must have been propelled backwards as he is pressed up against the opposing wall, his knees drawn up to his chest. Tears stain his cheeks. Is he shaking?

"I went too far." She says, half in apology, half in realisation.

He doesn't respond, but uses his sleeve to dry his face.

They watch each other in silence for a while. That same charged energy between them begins to dissipate. The air clears. Rey fully processes what it was she was seeing in the mind of Ben Solo. And what it is she is seeing in his eyes now.

"You killed him, Kylo." She finally says. "Your true enemy, he said it himself. You killed him. He can't... he can't hurt you anymore. He can't get inside your head anymore."

It is only now she realises her own cheeks are sticky wet, she was crying too.

Kylo shakes his head, ever so slightly. "He's still in my head. He will always be in my head."

"What he did to you... he tortured you. I saw it. He magnified all of your fears. He hurt you and then he took that pain and tied it with everything you loved, everything you cared about... everything you associated with the light, he associated with pain."

"He made me stronger."

"No." She retaliates. "He made you more powerful. There's a difference."

"But that is what I chose." That angry growl rises in his voice now. "I chose that. Power over nothingness. I chose the dark side because I wanted it. You said it yourself, there is no one to blame but me."

"So what changed?" She challenges. "Why are you suddenly so desperate to be understood? Why did you show me all of that?"

"I... I don't know." She sees the truth of it in his face. He's lost and unsure and broken and he doesn't know what he needs or what he has to do.

"Let me help you." She says, "Please."


End file.
